The Real Ms. Pants

My Weight Gain Journey

When I used to think about gaining weight, I used to freak out, and I would have mini panic attacks. I was always told not to gain too much muscle or weight because I would look "too big." For the most part, I listened to people because I was afraid of being judged. If I got heavier than that particular number I had in my head, I would go in no carb diet mode for the next few weeks. 

Back in 2014/2015, I walked around at 155-158 with very minimal muscle. I was told that 125-130 would be a great weight for me. I am 5'7 with very long limbs. I have a long torso and very long legs so if my weight went under 145; I looked like a starving child who needs 15 pizzas and two dozen doughnuts. I knew I didn't want to be a walking stick. I wanted to get stronger but didn't want to gain a lot of weight in the process because I was still afraid. I had just started powerlifting in August 2014 after a few years of doing bodybuilding style workouts. I decided the 148 class would be right for me because I thought it would be a good goal weight to drop down to. I competed in the 148 class for only two meets before I decided I was done trying to kill myself to cut almost 10lbs to make weight. My best total at 148 was 745lbs in May 2015. I knew I needed to be gain some weight and muscle if I was ever going to make any progress on all my lifts. 

I started worrying about my lifts more than my body weight and ate what I wanted. In the first six months, I went from being 150 to 169. I liked feeling fuller, bigger, stronger and I loved it. All my lifts went up but with the weight gain came the unwanted fat. It was a mind fuck at times. I would still look at myself some days in the mirror and wonder if gaining the weight was even worth it. 

In the summer of 2016, I was dealing with really long hours at work and more extended training sessions that went well past midnight. I was in meet prep from September 2015 to July 2016. I did five meets almost back to back without any breaks. I am a stress eater and I was stressed out beyond belief. I wasn't used to doing so many meets in such a short amount of time, so I started eating more and more. Before I knew it, I was 183lbs! 35+lb weight gain in almost a year! I remember the day I saw that weight on the scale; I had a panic attack. I had reached my goal of totaling 1000+ in July 2016, but at what cost?  This time the weight I gained wasn't the proper type of weight. It was the unnecessary weight that came with back rolls, double chins and all. After my last meet in July 2016, I decided I was going stop worrying about my lifts for a few months, focus on my weight loss and get back to where I was mentally and physically. I was miserable with myself, and I was determined to get back to being comfortable in my skin again. I always had that "never settle" mentality, and I noticed I was starting to lose that. I had the "oh well" attitude most day and I remember being so mad at myself for stooping that low.

I decided to hire someone to help keep me accountable for my weight loss. She put me on a great plan where I didn't starve myself and ate enough to where I never felt hungry. I lost more body fat and inches off my body than weight. I went from being 38% body fat to 26% and a 37-inch waist to 29 inches. She helped me realize that focusing on the scale wasn't how I should track progress. She made me take progress pictures, and I remember cringing while sending her my first one. Two months goes by. As I’m sending her my weekly progress pictures, I get a text from her right away with a side by side comparison of when I first started up until that point. I hadn't realized how much body fat and inches off my waist I had lost. I was shocked because I couldn't see the progress up until that point. I was so focused on the weight I wasn't losing that I never stopped to realize that I was making tremendous progress in other aspects, even if the scale wasn't moving as fast as I wanted it.

My body weight now a days fluctuates between 175-178. I still look at myself some days and wish I was smaller, but then I think back on all the amazing things I've been able to accomplish in my short time as a powerlifter, and I stop stressing for a little while. I don’t think my journey will ever be done. I will always find new things to improve on each day. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am not 21 anymore and my metabolism is not what it used to be.